Ground rules for divorce
Use the following ground rules to divorce as friends
1. Accept the person
When you fight the way someone is, you get upset and fuel the cycle of conflict. Accepting someone may seem difficult, but it’s nothing more than telling the truth. That person is the way he or she is whether you like it or not. When you surrender to the truth, you restore your ability to see clearly and can see what you need to do. You then become very effective.
2. Be willing to feel your hurt
Ultimately, all your upsets and destructive behavior are fueled by hurt. To restore your ability to see clearly and to be free of the hurt, dive into the emotion and cry it as hard as you can. Feel it willingly like a child. Let it come and let it go. This is the key to restoring your inner peace.
3. See your role in the problem
A cycle of conflict cannot exist with only one person. It takes two. When you can see your role in the conflict, you can do something about it. Notice how critical you have been and how much you have hurt the other person. Notice how the other person has put up his or her walls of protection and given it back to you. See how your actions have fueled the conflict.
4. Don’t hang on. Let the person go
When you hang on to someone, you destroy love and push the person away. We hang on to avoid the hurt. If you are willing to feel your hurt, the need to hang on loses power. You can then let the person go and act in a way that creates love. This increases the possibility of the person staying.
5. Let go of resentment - Forgive
Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the other person. It’s for you. To forgive, be willing to feel your hurt. Then notice that the other person is doing the best he or she can with his or her very limited ability. Forgive the person for not being wiser and more aware. Forgive the person because you choose to.
6. Be willing for anything to happen
When you fight what happens, you become full of fear and upset. You lose your ability to see clearly and tend to make your situation worse. When you flow with what happens, you have peace of mind. You see clearly and can discover what needs to be done. Solutions and opportunity can then show up.
7. Don’t Argue - Listen
Whenever there is an argument, there are two people trying to push their point of view on the other and no one is listening. The moment someone stops and listens, the argument ends. Once you fully get the other person’s point of view, you can express yours. Once everything is said, you can work together to find solutions.
8. Find solutions that work for both of you
Refuse to draw sides against the other person. When you fight to have your side prevail, you make the other person defensive and force that person to fight you. When you are committed to finding solutions that work for both of you, you dissolve opposition. It’s hard to fight someone who’s on your side.
9. Take every opportunity to heal your relationship
Every time you interact with the other person, you will either create love or destroy it and whatever you give will come right back. So do everything you can to empower the person. Make sure the person feels accepted and appreciated. Be a friend and be interested in that person’s well-being. Then watch what happens.
10. Get help if you need it
How you handle your situation now determines how your life will be for many years to come. If you end the conflict, heal the hurt, and create a friendship, your life will be a lot more enjoyable. If you need support in accomplishing this, watch our video course and make an appointment with Bill Ferguson.
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