Finding your role in a problem is the key to resolving it
We have been taught that relationships are 50/50, but they're not. Relationships are 100/100. Each person is 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love.
Let’s say that you and I have a relationship. How I treat you determines how you respond to me. If I am loving and supportive, you will react one way. If I am judgmental, critical, or resentful, you will react in quite a different way.
This makes me 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love and you are 0% responsible. You are 0% responsible because you are just reacting to me. I'm the cause and you are the effect.
The other side of the coin is also true. How you treat me determines how I will respond to you. If you are loving and supportive, I will respond one way. If you are judgmental, critical, or resentful, I will respond another way. This makes you 100% responsible and I am 0%.
To say this another way, each of us are totally, 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love. But this is not what we have been taught. We have been taught that there is only one responsibility.
Either you are responsible or I am responsible, or we cut it down the middle, 50/50. This is what we’ve been taught, but it’s not the truth. Everyone is responsible. When we believe that there is only one responsibility, we get into serious trouble. Here’s how:
Let’s say that you and I have a problem in our relationship. Since I know that there is only one responsibility, it’s easy to find the source of the problem. It’s you.
Then I get trapped. I get trapped because when I point at your 100%, I’m telling the truth. You are responsible. And since I have found the source of the problem, I don’t have to look any further. This keeps me stuck.
Blaming takes away your power
When I blame you, I may be telling the truth, but so what? When I blame you, I give you my power.
When I blame, I am saying that you are 100% responsible. At the same time, I am saying that I am 0%. Herein lies the problem. If I am 0 % responsible, what percent power do I have? None. You are the problem, not me.
When you blame someone, that person may be 100% responsible, but so what? Pointing over there doesn’t change a thing. When you blame, you throw away your power. You make yourself a victim and destroy your ability to take effective action.
To get your power back, stop blaming the person and find your role in the problem. Once you see your role in a problem, you can do something about it. As long as you blame, you stay stuck.
Look at any relationship you have that isn’t working. Notice that you have not accepted the person exactly the way that person is. Instead of making sure the person feels loved and appreciated, you have been judgmental and critical. You may have been controlling or hanging on. That person then got hurt, put up his or her walls of protection, and gave it back to you.
Take a few moments now and find your full 100% responsibility for the problem. You may need to stretch to do this, but it will be well worth your effort. This is the key to resolving your situation.
Sometimes, we may end up with someone who has a very destructive nature. When this happens, our role may be nothing more than staying in a relationship that we shouldn’t be in. Even in a situation like this, we have something to do with the problem.
Life only works in the areas where you take responsibility for the result. When you blame, you lose your power. You make yourself a victim and become unable to produce the result you want. This is true in every area of life.
Watch Bill Ferguson talk about 100% responsibility
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