Fortunately, arguments can easily be avoided. Once you become aware of how they work, you can stop an argument before it does much damage.

To see how an argument works, look at the following situation:

Jennifer says something to Robert that strikes a nerve. Instantly Robert is threatened. He can't just hear what Jennifer has to say. He has to fight it. He has to get rid of the threat.

He then tells Jennifer that she is wrong or that she doesn't know what she's talking about. He does whatever he can to make her communication go away. This in turn strikes a nerve in Jennifer. She gets upset and puts up her walls of protection. Without thinking, she raises her voice and uses force to get her point across.

Robert then becomes more threatened and fights her communication more forcefully than before. He couldn't care less about what Jennifer has to say. He is only interested in eliminating the threat and getting her to hear his point of view. He then tries to force his communication on Jennifer.

Of course, Jennifer isn't interested in what he has to say. She is only in interested in getting her point of view across. Both Jennifer and Robert enter into a form of tug-of-war. Both are trying to push their opinion on the other, but no one is listening.

This is the nature of an argument. Nothing gets resolved and everyone gets upset. The cycle of conflict grows and people become more and more distant.

Take a moment and look at the arguments in your life. Notice that neither one of you are listening to the other and both of you are getting upset. Notice the damage that this does to your relationship.

If you want to avoid arguments in your life, you can. The key is very simple. Stop talking and listen. It takes two people to have an argument. It only takes one to end it.

Listen to the other person's communication and hear it from his or her point of view. Look for the fear and hurt that is behind the words. Be interested in what the person has to say. You don't have to like what the person says, or agree with it. Just hear it.

By listening to what the other person has to say, you take away his or her resistance against you. You then create an environment where the other person can hear what you have to say. Once both of you have said everything you need to say, you can start looking for solutions. Until you get each other's communication, finding solutions is almost impossible.

So stop arguing and listen.

Go to the next section.