How can you fight someone that's on your side?

As a matter of physics, adversariness requires two opposing forces. When one opposing force is removed, the adversariness disappears. It takes two people to be adversaries. It only takes one person to stop it.

As soon as you draw sides against someone, you create an opposing force. So don't draw sides. Keep your focus on finding solutions where everyone wins. This is the key to resolving issues without conflict.

When you focus on everyone's well-being, you create an environment of cooperation and understanding. You can then work together to find solutions, and when you look for solutions, you find them.

This is how you resolve issues. You look for solutions that work for everyone.

This makes perfect sense, but as crazy as it may seem, in an adversarial situation, there is no focus on finding solutions. None. All the focus is on winning. When there is no focus on resolving issues, they don't get resolved.

Trying to resolve issues in an adversarial situation is like playing tug-of-war. It takes forever to accomplish anything and every step is full of effort and struggle. In most contested cases, the people are so caught up in the fighting that they don't even know what the issues are. It's insane. So keep your focus on finding solutions.

Look for the other person's fears and concerns. Look beyond what the person is asking and find what the person needs.

For example, the real issue behind most custody cases is the fear of losing the children. When you can insure easy access and broad visitation, the fear loses power, and so does the need to fight for custody. If the issue is child support or alimony, you can find what the court would do and agree to that.

If you can't come to an agreement, use the services of a mediator.

Whatever the issue, there is a way to resolve it. Sometimes you find the answers quickly. Sometimes you don't. Just make sure you don't stop looking.

Finding solutions that work for everyone also includes you. A commitment to everyone doesn't mean that you have to give up your soul in the name of cooperation. You don't have to be taken advantage of.

Sometimes you need to be careful. Some people are dishonest. Sometimes you need to say "no." Sometimes you may need to go to the judge. Do whatever it takes to find solutions that work for both of you. Just don't lose sight of your commitment to everyone's well-being.

Even if the other person demands everything and refuses to cooperate, don't draw sides. As difficult as your situation may seem at the moment, it can get much worse.

The type of divorce and the type of relationship you have is determined by how you treat the other person and how you resolve your differences. You can keep your pride, draw sides and go to town on each other; or you can be committed to a relationship where everyone comes out ahead. The one you choose will affect the entire rest of your life.

To learn more about resolving conflict read the book, How To Heal A Painful Relationship, and listen to the second CD or the fourth tape of How To Divorce As Friends.

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